Freaky Like Me*EDITED*

The hubs gets up for work WAY before I do on most days. Every once in a while there are days he gets ready within an hour of me rising from the dead. I don't like those days. Not because I am awake before one of my 3 whining alarms goes off. I don't like it because I walk into a wall of yummy man smell when I get up and make my first trip to the loo. He took a shower, why does he have to add yummy cologne on top of yummy shower smell? It's just wrong. It's like being tortured first thing in the morning. I don't like it, not one little bit. And why does he even have to smell good for work? Huh? I guess that question is similar to the one he asks me when I wear make-up. "Why are you putting on make-up?" Gah! Can't a girl feel pretty every once in a while? I know I don't wear make-up much at all, but sometimes I want to look like I do give 2 fucks about what I look like, because most days I don't. Most days I don't leave the house. That revelation is rather depressing.

In other depressing news, the only thing I have packed for my trip home are towels. Yes, my Mom has towels, mine are beach towels for the swimming pool. That is it. That is all I have packed. I have a lot of work ahead of me. I should get busy but I have a cramp in my side. Wink, wink. I am super excited about seeing some old gal pals when I get home. Gals from H.S. that I haven't seen or talked to in over 14 years. There are lucky Mom's of 3 kids and then there unlucky. I'm unlucky, in the weight/fit department. Being obsessed with my weight is something really new to me and I blurted out my feelings in an email to my old friend 3 days ago....I want to share...

"I should warn you that I am fat now. See,this way when you see me you won't go DAMN! Kaytabug got f.a.t.! You will already be prepared. Be prepared. Ok, so I am not obese but I am overweight according to the BMI scale. Sometimes I like to fool myself into thinking that I am voluptuous. More to love, but it really makes me sick. I am working on it, so it's not like I'm just bitching about it. I am getting up off my fat ass and doing something about it, it's not like I can shed all these gallons of Ben and Jerry's overnight.
Um. Now I feel foolish.
But now you know, not that you care or needed to know. Anyway...Please don't let the others in on what a freak I am.
okay? okay.
You'll keep my secret right? :)

~K" end email.

So this came out of nowhere, and was the last paragraph of the email, and she hasn't emailed me back! Why did I feel the need to warn her of my weight gain? It matters not to her I'm sure. I am feeling insecure. It has been 3 days! I don't know why I even blurted all that out to her in an email but I did. I am now wishing I hadn't. It was through myspace so I can tell if she has read it, and she has! So there goes anyones idea of "Well, maybe she hasn't checked her email." Maybe I'll cancel out of the chick fest. This is bugging me more than it should and now you all know what a freak I am. RUN AWAY!

*EDITED to Add*
Just an hour after I hit publish post I received an email from my friend. Paraphrasing what she said:"You're not a freak, we've all gained weight,it doesn't matter,don't worry about it, your secret is safe with me." I feel like more of an ass now. Being this insecure about my weight is not me. Bringing it up like that to a friend I have not seen or talked to since HS is also not me. Nikki is right the image I have of myself is probably no where near the image others have of me. Being overweight is new to me, I know cry me a fucking river, but it is hard when I am used to looking one way for many years and now after ignoring what was going on look like something totally different. Thanks to everyone for the support, even WT at least he knows a freak when he sees one and I do wear my freak flag proudly!