The End

For the past couple of weeks I have been one HUGE emotional mess. I cry at the smallest thing. At first I thought it was just because it was that time of month. Then I thought it had to do with my last baby growing up too fast. This morning while crying over today being my baby's preschool performance and his final, FINAL day it hit me. Not only is this the end of my baby being a preschooler, it is the end of me. I immersed myself so much into my kids, into being a stay-at-home-Mom that I have nothing else. I am nothing else.

I have been a Mom for 11 and a half years. I've spent the last 9 years as a stay-at-home-Mom. I never knew until now how much that defined who I am. My world is my boys. I know that will never change no matter how old they are or where they go. I let go of me somewhere along the way. Sure, I am a daughter, a wife, a friend, but I feel like just a Mom and nothing more. I also know that a job will never define who I am, but somehow my job as a Mom has.

I'm heading into uncharted territory, a land unknown to me. I feel like this is the end of me. I really feel like singing "It's the end of the world as we know it." but I do NOT feel fine. My heart literally aches. I'm sure the aching has more to do with Mouth no longer being a preschooler, and the fact that this most precious of stages is over for me, that I'll never have another baby.
Sure this is the end of one chapter and the beginning of a new one. At the moment it feels like the start of an entirely different book!

I know what my calling is now. One of 2 things. A daycare provider in the infant/toddler room, or a teacher aide in preschool or Kindergarten. Knowing that there is a new direction for me to take does not help any. You'd think it would. I guess I need to just be in this moment. Feel all the emotions I am feeling. Let them take their course. Allow myself to bawl uncontrollably. If I learned anything from my childhood, it's that "It's alright to cry. Crying gets the sad out of you."
Someday, I'll feel fine.

Lost Files part 3

More photos from my look back in my photo archives. More laughter at my kids expense! In case you missed them, here's Part 1 and Part 2. (Fianna, part 3 was completed before I even posted part 2...funny that you noticed M.M. on the shelf in part 2! I didn't even notice it.)


Going...

Going...

Shelved.

3 years

When we were getting ready to move to Germany we knew we would be there for 3 years. It was hard for me to grasp that the newborn baby that lay in my arms was going to be 3 years old when we moved back to the states. It really boggled my mind.

We never meant to have a 3rd baby, and for sure not while we were in a foreign country. Things never happen the way you think they will. The one thing you can count on is the passage of time. That never changes. 3 years is 3 years, no matter how you look at it.

Our 3rd baby had his 2nd birthday a month before we moved back to the states from Germany.

This July we will have been stateside for 3 years. It feels WAY longer than just 3 years. It has been a hard 3 years. I've been looking back lately over the past 3 years and I am finding it hard to remember that first year here. When my baby was just 2 years old, and he still took naps, and I still used the changing table, and he was still my baby.

Where did the time go?
I'm reminded of what my sons preschool teacher says often, "Enjoy them now,they are only 3 once." or "They are only 4 once." We only get one chance to enjoy them at this age and I feel like I have wasted it, that I just let it pass me by.
That baby of mine "graduates" preschool in under 2 weeks. I still remember taking Middle Man to the same preschool with Mouth on my hip.
On. my. freakin'. hip!
Mouth starts Kindergarten this August. I'm just now getting in touch with reality. Reality can kiss my ass. It bites, it stings, it really fucking hurts.

I knew Mouth was going to be my last baby from the moment I was getting ready to leave the hospital room with him. I cried then, like I'm crying now.