For the past couple of weeks I have been one HUGE emotional mess. I cry at the smallest thing. At first I thought it was just because it was that time of month. Then I thought it had to do with my last baby growing up too fast. This morning while crying over today being my baby's preschool performance and his final, FINAL day it hit me. Not only is this the end of my baby being a preschooler, it is the end of me. I immersed myself so much into my kids, into being a stay-at-home-Mom that I have nothing else. I am nothing else.
I have been a Mom for 11 and a half years. I've spent the last 9 years as a stay-at-home-Mom. I never knew until now how much that defined who I am. My world is my boys. I know that will never change no matter how old they are or where they go. I let go of me somewhere along the way. Sure, I am a daughter, a wife, a friend, but I feel like just a Mom and nothing more. I also know that a job will never define who I am, but somehow my job as a Mom has.
I'm heading into uncharted territory, a land unknown to me. I feel like this is the end of me. I really feel like singing "It's the end of the world as we know it." but I do NOT feel fine. My heart literally aches. I'm sure the aching has more to do with Mouth no longer being a preschooler, and the fact that this most precious of stages is over for me, that I'll never have another baby.
Sure this is the end of one chapter and the beginning of a new one. At the moment it feels like the start of an entirely different book!
I know what my calling is now. One of 2 things. A daycare provider in the infant/toddler room, or a teacher aide in preschool or Kindergarten. Knowing that there is a new direction for me to take does not help any. You'd think it would. I guess I need to just be in this moment. Feel all the emotions I am feeling. Let them take their course. Allow myself to bawl uncontrollably. If I learned anything from my childhood, it's that "It's alright to cry. Crying gets the sad out of you."
Someday, I'll feel fine.
16 comments:
Hmmm...maybe you need another baby?
Dude, I totally thought you were going to say you were pregnant. Ha! Working in a daycare would be MUCH easier, and would involve a heck of a lot more sleep.
Definitely get out of the house no matter what you decide to do. My baby officially start K in the fall too, although it's different for me since I homeschool, I think. I'm ready to shove them both on a school bus and done with it. :o)
Emma, I DO NOT need another baby. I'd have to go through all of this all over again!!! Honestly, the thought has crossed my mind, but it is NOT going to happen! :)
(((HUGS))) Been there, and I understand. It's the end of an era. It seems to last forever while you're in it, then, BAM, suddenly it's done. We work ourselves out of our jobs! It's definitely OK to mourn, and cry. Also take time to remember all the good things about your stay-at-home-mom-of-babies years, and look forward to your new family status. One chapter ends, a new one begins.
Becoming a teacher's aide is a great idea. But not with little ones! Move on up to the big kids (school age) now!
It took a while to adjust to thinking of myself as a mom of all BIG boys instead of little boys. But I can now walk right past the toddler areas of the store without even looking! Moving on up...
I know it's tough. I think you are totally allowed to wallow for a while. And, if you've found your calling? That's better than at least 50% of people today.
I'm more or less right there with you except that I have convinced myself that I can't get a job because I have to be here when they get home from school. I think it is just another mind game that I am playing with myself because I don't want to get a job.
I have kept myself busy by being involved with the school and immersing myself in my hobbies.
((Hugs))
I can't see what the problem is, now you can catch up on all the daytime soaps. Plus I'm sure Dr Phil or Oprah will have all the answers.
But seriously, they are only gone for a few hours a day, and you being there when they get home is a huge deal, trust me I know... my mother never was.
This whole year has been like that for me. I've gradually been moving in that direction since Caleb and Jo started public school 5 years ago, then a little more when Josh started public school two years ago. With Caleb joining the Marines last September and Naomi starting public school just a few weeks before, I felt so completely lost. I'd been a stay at home mom for 18 years and homeschooled for 13 of those! I got married when I was 18 and had Caleb when I was 19. Was I ever anyone before I was a wife and mother? I mean *really* anyone?
It's a little like being newly married or having your first baby. Suddenly your home alone all day with this new person who you don't really know and you don't understand what they need or want most of the time. Only the new person you have to get to know is you. There's an adjustment period.
I'm starting to feel like I have a little more direction, but I'm still not sure where I'm going or exactly who I am.
I did spend a lot of time just moping around the house and feeling lost. Don't laugh--feeding the horses every morning and mucking out the stalls helped. I got out of the house and did something that had to be done and I did some of my very best thinking while shoveling shit. Maybe you can find some task to do each day that gets you outside or at least outside of yourself and helps you clear your head a little.
Have you written any lists (even mental lists) of things you'd like to learn or do some day? Maybe you can start doing one of those things now. Teaching could be one of those, and it would probably enable you to be home when the kids get home from school. Take an art class or enroll in classes at a community college. Find a way to combine your interests with volunteer work. There are so many things you could do. Don't forget to choose one or two things at least that help you develop that part of you you've pushed aside while being busy doing things for your kids.
WT's advice is very good. (Isn't he just a big ol' softie?) There's plenty of time for you to be there for your family without giving up this time for discovering you.
Oops! Guest post. I think I have something to send you, too.
awwww, my k. you would be awesome as a teacher's aide ... but i agree you should put your big toe into the big-kid pool for that.
dont you just love us all telling you what to do? :-D
Redefining yourself is fun, despite the scary factor. Enjoy the time you have. Learn about yourself. I think you will be thrilled at what you discover. Love you!
It's so hard to see that last one growing up. But you will find your way through this and find yourself again - be it daycare provider or whatever. :)
K -- there are plenty of mothering years left for you to deal. It's going to get tougher, so you just need to hang on for the ride. Don't fall off now --
Believe me when I say that you will grow with each stage.
Oh wow, I want to cry with you right now. I don't have kids so I've never been through this before, but I do remember feeling super lost when I went through my divorce and had to start over on my own. I didn't know who I was at that time. The first year was pretty tough but now I look back and laugh at the fact that I thought my life was somewhat over at the ripe ol' age of 35. I've grown a lot since then, picked up some wonderful new friends along the way, and started painting at 36 years of age which is a huge passion of mine now. I even decided to open myself up to love again and met the man of my dreams.
I know you don't want to hear it (because I didn't want to hear it when I felt down in the dumps either) but things will get better. You will learn new things about yourself. You will "find" yourself again. Sometimes you have to force yourself to work on it and sometimes you have to force yourself to make the time to do it, but it is so worth it in the end. I like spending time with myself about 1,000 times more than I did 5 years ago when I was going through my divorce.
Big hugs to you!
Reading this reminded me of how I felt, not at this age, but when my girls left home. I went through a total bereavement process and felt quite useless for a long time. You have all the skills to be a real asset to any daycare setting.
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