Before and After

Before braces

After braces

Middle Man is a lefty. His handwriting can use improvement. I had mentioned that we will be doing handwriting practice worksheets every school night to improve his handwriting. I mentioned it during his spelling "pretest".  When he's done I write the words correctly and he has to write the words that he misses 3 times. 

Spelling "pretest" (before)

Missed words practice (after)

That little shit!  He can write nice and neat. He chooses not to! 

Here comes 10 more grey hairs!

Class of What? What?!

I get this email yesterday from the Middle School PTO. It's about 8th grade t-shirts. My son is in 7th grade. Gotta love blanket emails. I looked at the email anyway. I wish that I hadn't.

This is what I saw...

My mind starts reeling.... Oh that's cute, the class of 2014.

Whoa.

Wait a minute.

That means the tween is the class of 2015.

O.M.G.!!

He will graduate High School in 5 years.

O.M.F.G.!!!

5 years from this month my baby boy will be graduating from High School?!

Exactly 5 years from right now he will graduate HIGH SCHOOL!!!

Fuck me!

I've known that it's coming. I'm even checking out H.S.'s where we will be moving, to find the best one for him. But to actually see it?! I was floored.

I'm off to buy a couple of cases of wine. This Full-time Mom is going to be drunk on the job for a while. Bottoms up!

The Mother's Day that wasn't

I've tried not to complain, but here it comes.

When your husband is gone, and no family around, Mother's day ends up being just another day.

Other Mom's are treated to breakfast by their kids. I get a 5 yr old that was upset that he couldn't make me the spread in his minds eye-his older brothers wouldn't help him. I hugged him and told him that next year Daddy would help him make me breakfast(if he's not gone again), and that as he gets older he would be able to make me breakfast someday. It was the thought that counts.

Some Mom's are given bouquets of flowers. I at least got one construction paper flower, thanks to a wonderful Kindergarten teacher.

The only meal out I'll be treated to is one I treat myself to. Alone, with 3 boys in tow. Yeah. I think not.

Today is just like all the other days during this year long separation from my husband. Everything, all the day to day stuff that needs to happen today still falls at my feet. I could let it just sit, but the boys need clean clothes for next week and I don't want them to be the stinky kid in class so they will get baths tonight. I don't want them to starve so I guess I'll make them 3 square meals.

I even asked the 7 yr old and 12 yr old if they could do something nice for me since it was Mother's Day, load up the dishwasher, looks like I'll be doing that too.

So you see, it's just another normal day. It's not special, I'm not pampered.

My 5 yr old was the only bright spot to my day. I guess I should be happy that 1 out of 3 gets it. I need to be happy and thankful that all of my babies are here to celebrate with me. I feel shallow that I want just a little bit more today. And guilty that I feel cheated.

It is what it is. Maybe someday I'll grow up into a mature adult. Today I'm a selfish bitch.

I wish I could have at least spent the day with my Mommy.

The Road to Motherhood

I hadn't even been 21 for a entire month when I found out I was pregnant. I was not married, not in a relationship. To say the positive result was a shock is an understatement. I seriously contemplated having an abortion. I wasn't ready for a baby. I wasn't responsible. I simply didn't want one, yet. I really don't know how I came to my final decision. I just know it was hard. I was easily 50/50. So it is no surprise that 4 months after he was born I was hit with feelings from the other 50% of me that wasn't ready, that really did not want a baby. It was a hard thing to come to terms with. It took a long while. I couldn't have made it through without my Mom's help. She took over when I couldn't force myself to do it any longer. Yes, I had to force myself to be a Mom. Many years later,after having 2 more babies, I know the difference between forcing oneself to be a Mom and wanting to be one and just giving fully of oneself.

Self beatings were common for years. It may be something that I'll always carry. The scars, the sadness, the guilt.

I believe that everything happens for a reason. I always have. 3 years ago I saw a Post Secret that was made out of a "It's a Boy" balloon. The secret: "When we decided to keep you your life wasn't the only one saved." That one hit me hard. It still brings me to tears. Before I became pregnant I was headed down a road that I feel I would have never survived. When I made my choice to keep him, it saved my life. I took a different road.

He is a tween now. Full of angst, attitude and issues. Like most tweens, right? But, I think he has something more going on than the average tween and I tried to get him help. We had sought out a counselor. On my 3rd meeting with him, trying to be open but feeling like he wasn't right for us, a song came on the radio while I was waiting to be seen.

It took all I could not to cry right there in the waiting room.

When I first heard the song many, many years ago it touched me and I immediately thought of my firstborn. I think of my other 2 as well but they weren't born yet. I associate the song with my boys, but especially my first son. When it came on, not only did I know I needed to stop seeing this counselor, it gave me strength to let it be okay that it wasn't a right fit for us. I felt a wave of feeling like it was all going to work out and everything was going to be alright.

"If I had just one wish

Only one demand

I hope he's not like me

I hope he understands

that he can take this life

and hold it by the hand

and he can greet the world

With arms wide open..."

It took me longer than most to realize that everything had changed. I will continue to show him love and spend the rest of my life showing him everything, with my arms wide open.

Things happen for a reason, just believe.