Day 1

"And ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation." -Kahlil Gibran

And so starts yet another 365 countdown. Half of my heart is on its way to the sand box. Again.

"Only in the agony of parting do we look into the depths of love." -George Eliot

A few of the things that suck on day 1:

~Waking up to realities slap in the face, or rather stab at the heart.
~That tingling sensation in your nose that indicates the water works are coming whether you want to or not!
~Welling up when you grab your toothbrush and see his is no longer by yours, and the knowledge that it will be gone for a long time.
~Making coffee the first morning without him and the big sigh and maybe a slight welling up when you realize that you have to make less coffee.
~Stumbling upon his slippers where he took them off last and wishing that he could come back to put them on.
~Seeing traces of his presence in every room.
~Wanting to tear down my Christmas trees ASAP!(Anyone that knows me, will tell you this is NOT me)
~Missing him so much that it hurts yet knowing that it hasn't even been 24hours since our last embrace.
~The boys squeezing their Daddy stuffed animals and hearing your voice. Too much. Too soon.
~The fact that this time day 1 is New Year's Eve. Celebrating is the last thing on my mind.

The boys and I did toast to Daddy's safe return to us this year. They drank their Daddy's favorite Mt. Dew and I had some sparkling cranberry apple juice. I didn't even feel like getting wasted!
We also celebrated with NYC, instead of the central time zone. Maybe we should have celebrated on sand box time. It's already New Year's Day where he is.
 I'm sure he didn't feel like celebrating either.

Have you seen my remote?

If life could just be more like  The Upside Down Show, I'd be thrilled!!!
All I really want is the remote.
Life seems to be going by so fast, like someone has pressed the Fast Forward button on my remote. I did not give anyone permission to touch my remote! Back off!!!

When we moved here last December, I remember driving around looking at the bare trees trying to imagine what it would look like when they would be full of green leaves. That wasn't hard to do, we have lived here before. I feel like it was just a couple of months ago when the landscape was all Spring, and now it's all Fall!  Why is time moving at hyper-speed?! I feel like the boys just started school the other day but it's already October, soon to be mid-October. Speaking of mid-October, the Teen will be turning 14 in just 5 days. WHERE IS THE TIME GOING?!?!?!? WHY is it going so FAST?!?!?! I want time to slow down.
I really want it to slow down over the next couple of months. Hubby will be leaving again. Yes, he just got back, at least it feels like that. Gone a year, home a year and one month, gone a year. He hasn't been to one of the sandy countries in over 5 years, almost 6. That's just the "powers that be" saying he's due to go back. Once he leaves time can go by as fast as it possibly can. But, I know it won't. It will crawl, slowly by.
Life; in slow-motion.  Just not when I want it to be.

Renew

10 years ago today I went for a walk with my dog and my 3 year old son.

My dog passed away a year ago, so I take morning walks with a different dog.
My 13 year old son doesn't take walks with me, won't hold my hand or call me Mommy anymore.

The sound of sirens still triggers anxiety.

Every year on this day I would watch as much coverage as I could, which was like a twisted time machine, taking me right back to the day, re-living the terror. Everything was brought back to the surface. Now I see that I was just tearing off the scab that had formed over the wound, never giving it a chance to heal.

It's taken me 10 years to figure that out. I never said I was a quick learner.

I'll never EVER forget that day. It is truly etched into my mind and heart forever.

On this 10th anniversary of the September 11th attacks I choose to leave the scab on my wound. I choose to heal. I choose to avoid the coverage and specials, especially the ones that show footage and sound bytes from that day. I choose to honor the victims not by transporting myself back to that day and re-living it, but by honoring them in my own way.

This year I will start a new tradition.

Puppy Love

Think back.  Like WAY back to when you first met your love.  When you just COULDN'T be apart.  You had to be together 24/7 and even that was not enough!  You got it?  How about now?  No.  I mean, do you still feel like that  NOW?  I don't.  My hubby admits he doesn't.  Is this normal or do we need to call it quits?  Maybe it is because we are forced to be apart due to his job.  I do get extremely pissed when something takes him away from what is supposed to be his time with family.  But, when I am away from him I'm not dying from lack of togetherness, except for when we have no control over it and it lasts for a year at a time!

My Mom has met someone.  I am so happy for her.  It is still in that puppy love stage where they cannotbeseparated.  This kind of makes me want to gag.   She has had 2 other relationships(besides my father), I do not remember her being like this before.  Maybe it's the real thing.  Maybe the sex is just that good! High 5 Mom!  Maybe my gag reflex is just my green demon wishing that my husband and I still felt like that about each other.

So tell me, what about you and your love? Cannotbeseperated?  or  Not dying from lack of togetherness? or your customized answer?

Jaytabug

A wondrous thing happened Tuesday. I finally got to meet (in real life) one of my longtime blogger buds planetofjanet!!!  I can't link to her since she no longer has her blog up (she is currently thinking about dusting it off and starting back up) but I do have 2 photos of us!!!


The first was taken after we hugged it out a couple of times upon first seeing each other in the hotel lobby! We were squealing like little school girls and were all 7 kinds of verklempt! We had to wipe away tears, and take a couple deep breaths before we took this!

J took on her phone

The second was taken at an arboretum I took her to, in KANSAS! It had lovely flowers and paths and a most awesome waterfall!! We both LOVE the water!!!

J took on her phone

Did I mention paths? Many, MANY paths? We started out choosing which way to go when we came to a fork, well lets just say the last one we took was the one less traveled! It ended up being a super long trek through the woods. Stagnate air, and zillions of mosquitoes! At one point J. counted all the welts she could see on me and counted 26, the majority of those were on my back!! She regrets not taking a picture of my back. She said, "It was EPIC!" 

Sadly we only got to spend 2 days together.  :(   It was NOT long enough!!! We need to start hatching other plans. I don't know how. I don't know when, but there WILL BE MORE meet-ups in our future!!!

Love you, My J.!

Free to be Me, but Who the Fuck is that?

I don't like answering questions about me spur of the moment. I hate questions like "What's your favorite day?" you mean my favorite day EVER or what would my favorite day consist of?
"Something you don't know about me..." The list is endless.
"One thing I could not live without?" yeah, I couldn't answer that one either. There are so many things I would answer but I totally could live without if forced to(I've just finished reading "The Road" and "The Hunger Games" series) Upon further reflection I'll live but I won't *live* without my Mom.

I feel like I'm living a lie, but I don't know the lie.

I am feeling like "What's it all for?" Have you ever felt like that?
I'm going through the motions and even my motions suck.
I feel worthless.
I feel meaningless.
I really do feel like I have no worth.

I hate the title homemaker.
I dont make a home.

I don't clean like I should. I don't cook like I should. I don't get my kids up and ready for school like I should. There are an endless number of things that I don't do like I should.

I am quick to compare myself to others.
I hate that.
I feel like a chameleon, I'll be the type of person you want/need me to be.
I am not confident in who I am because I don't know who or what I am!
I don't have a strong sense of self. I envy those that do.
I feel as if I never found me.

I feel like I have accomplished nothing in my life. I feel like I have no purpose.

I lack direction.

I lack the motivation to find that direction.
I lack the desire to find it.
I lack the will.

Missing

I never thought I'd miss MO, or our house. I never thought I'd miss as much as I do.

I miss a lot of things from our previous home. Not just the home, or lack of sharing a wall with another family, I miss the signs of spring around our house. I miss the chorus of birds that sing. I really don't want to list all the things I miss, it will just make me more sad. I'm trying to overcome these feelings. To transition from that way of living to the current way. I missed it so much though, that I stopped at our house  on my recent trip back and took a couple of pictures of what I'm missing out on.  

I feel very sad about no longer being able to enjoy the presence of...

My tulips were up. Even the pretty purple and yellow weeds were blooming!

The 2 Bradford pear trees were in full bloom. The lilac bush in the background had green leaves!
I even saw the green leaves of the day lilies my MIL and I planted around a tree.

One of my favorite streets to travel in spring, it's lined with Bradford Pear trees!

Yes, I took these 2 while driving. I just put the camera on the steering wheel and pushed the button, hoping it'd be decent!
 

Not my house, but one of my favorite spring trees!

Tulip Magnolia also called Saucer Magnolia 

Sigh. 

My view at our new home is so NOT picture worthy. 

I tried to take a picture of the sunrise one morning, this is what I got. 

Cue the song "Little Boxes"

Sure, I took that from inside, looking out my front window.  That is pretty much my view from any window or door. There was a sunset that was particularly stunning but the rows of little boxes just ruined it.  I know, I know.  Leave the row of little boxes and get to a better vantage point. By the time I'd get there the sunset/sunrise would be gone or changed and not as awesome as when I first saw it. Gone are the days of just stepping out my door and getting shots like this

June 27, 2010

I guess I have to work for the shots now. No more lazy photographer!

A Rarity

 A miracle happened at the zoo. I'm not talking about all the new babies. This happened....

The Teen SMILED!!!! All on his own, no coercion from me. It just happened! I'm so glad I captured it! I'm not sure when I will see it again!

All You Need Is Love

The Teen made Happy heart out of his brothers legos.

Little Boxes

3 months.  We have lived in our new place for 3 months. I LOVE that I live in Kansas again. I HATE living in a duplex. The constant boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom from their stereo, which during the day is at "accepted"  noise levels, drives me bat shit. These walls are super thin. I hear their doors shut. I hear their washer and dryer. I hear them bang on their bedroom window at midnight to get their dog that they left outside to stop barking. Not only did I hear it, it vibrated in our bedroom. Our bedrooms have a shared wall. Which leads to other noises that sometimes just can't be erased once they are heard no matter how hard you try to forget.

I have always loved springtime. The birds are singing, it's nice enough to sit outside and enjoy my joe. So far I have not been able to do that here. The neighbors dog yipes the entire time I am out there. I could sit out front, but it's in the shade. I want to soak up the sun. I shouldn't have to alter what I want just because of someone else's poor pet ownership. Which is just my own personal opinion. If one is going to own a dog as a pet, there is no point in having said dog if all one is going to do is leave said dog outside in a tiny fenced in yard 24/7.

Luke LOVES playing fetch. At first I felt bad and tried not playing fetch with him if I noticed that the other dog was out. All the other dog would do is bark, which is more like a high pitch yipe because it's still a puppy. That didn't last long because I said FUCK IT!! I'm going to live my life the way I want to. I'm going to play fetch with my dog whenever I want. I'm not going to let neighbors dictate how I live. Plus, I noticed that they were leaving the dog out for longer stretches of time.

I realize that I can't change the situation. I can only change the way I deal with it. I just simply do not know how to deal with it. I don't know how to change the way I feel. I mean, if something annoys the heck out of you how do you change that? For 6 years I loathed living in "shared living" for all the reasons I've listed AND MORE. That extreme hatred and stress of living with others noise and constantly stressing about my kids noise is what prompted us to buy a home. It was 4 years of bliss. Letting the kids be as loud as they wanted, playing our music as loud as we wanted, not being forced to hear other peoples noises through any of our walls. BLISS I tell you.  But, we bought at the wrong time right before the economy tanked. Do they call it underwater? That would be us. We can't sell it without taking a ginormous hit, like most home owners, which means we have no other option but to go back to living like this. I don't know how to deal with this for the next 4 years but I do know that I need to find a way or I will be certifiable before 2015!

This song sums up where I live. Every time I drive down these streets this song plays in my head. I also choose this band covering it because of the way they sing it, the way it sounds, it sums up my feelings about living in this little box. I also love this band. You should check out some of their original stuff!


There are plenty of other bands and singers that covered this song for the show WEEDS.  I like a lot of them, even the original! Oh how I wish this was Agrestic and I was Nancy, or just had a friend like her. Life might be tolerable then.

Before and After

Before braces

After braces

Middle Man is a lefty. His handwriting can use improvement. I had mentioned that we will be doing handwriting practice worksheets every school night to improve his handwriting. I mentioned it during his spelling "pretest".  When he's done I write the words correctly and he has to write the words that he misses 3 times. 

Spelling "pretest" (before)

Missed words practice (after)

That little shit!  He can write nice and neat. He chooses not to! 

Here comes 10 more grey hairs!

My Month in Review

December is a busy month for everyone. This past December was the busiest EVAH for me! So much happened besides the move that I don't want it to be overlooked, or forgotten. Ready? Here we go!

December 2nd finds my hubby and the teen driving John around the yard to use up all the gas so that it could be shipped with the rest of our stuff.

I think he farted right there!

Shadow play

And Luke playing fetch in our ginormous yard for one of the last times.

He's tuckered!

December 3rd: I'm at the vet clinic getting the 2 cats vaccinations up to date. Meh.

Cute ornaments for sale at the Vet clinic

December 7: Take the over 100 lb dog to the vet for his annual shots so I don't have to worry about doing that once we have moved!

Later that day...

The teen was playing hide and seek in the dark with the younger 2 and decides that under the bathroom sink would be the best spot to hide.

The hiding spot

Yeah. It's all fun and games until someone breaks a water pipe! The bathroom flooded (flashbacks to this summer) and I had to shut of the main water supply to the house because the break was behind the wall and shutting it off under the sink didn't stop the gushing!

It's the small pipe on the right, at the bend or joint or whatever its called!

The break

December 10: Middle Man has an ortho appt and SURPRISE he got his braces off!

December 11: Ortho appt. for the teen. Surprise again! The teen gets his braces off earlier than expected too!

December 13: back at the ortho to get the fixed retainer glued back on for the teen.

December 14: The movers show at at 9 am to start packing up our belongings. My stress level is through the roof! 3 packers wasn't enough so they add 3 or was it 4 more to the mix. They were done by 6:30 so we could go out to a Birthday dinner for my Christmas baby...

...who turned EIGHT!!!!! What? He's EIGHT?!?! Are you sure?

Blow, baby, blow!

Oh. And in the afternoon I went to go take cupcakes to the school for his class!

Green frosting teeth, goes with his Yoda birthday pin.

December 15: movers back to pack it up on the truck...

A trip to the pharmacy to pick up  meds and I saw this old woman with a creepy doll. She was treating it like it was real. C.R.E.E.P.Y.

December 16: School canceled. Movers back to finish packing our stuff on the truck.

December 17th: Kids last day of school, half day, Christmas parties at school. Running around like a chicken with my head cut off tying up loose ends, and trying to get more stuff jammed into my car. Thankfully I have a friend in town coming by later to get all the stuff we couldn't fit and that the movers wouldn't box up. My plants to name a few!

Drive 6 hours to new home in KANSAS!!!

December 19: We got our tree.

December 20th the movers delivered half of the truck.

December 21st they finished unloading all of our stuff!

The rest of the month is filled with unpacking boxes and trying to find where to put everything in a house with far less storage space! It's been quite a challenge, and still is!

There you have it, my month in review!