Every time I start to think about what I have to do Wednesday my eyes well up with tears.
His world is going to come crashing down.
I know I shouldn't fear the unknown but I just can't seem to help it. I created this, I'm to blame for misleading him and letting it go on for so long.
Letting him believe.
I know he needs to know. That the time has come, that he is old enough to understand, but is he really ready?
I'm going to hurt my baby and there is nothing I can do to stop the pain, nothing I will be able to say or do to make it all better because I'm the one the caused it in the first place.
I don't know how I am going to tell him what I have to without choking on my tears.
The shrink thinks that he is going to be angry, that it is best to tell him in the shrinks office. That is why there is a set day.
I'm trying to look at it as a new beginning, for a new year. A clean slate. The elephant won't be in the room anymore. The secret will be out. I hope that I will feel a weight lifted off of my shoulders. I hope that his world will not come crashing down, that he'll be able to say I knew something wasn't right but could never put it to words. I know that is asking for a lot.
It's not that I don't want him to know. I never meant for it to be a secret, but it has turned into one. The day he asked me why his last name was different from the rest of ours, I should have told him then. I thought he was too young to understand. I told him that his last name was my maiden name, that when I had him Daddy and I had not married yet. That is the truth, but not the whole truth.
I know, as do most people, that any boy can father a baby, but that it takes a man to be a Dad. I just don't think an 11 year old boy is going to see that. I hope some day soon that he will. So I fear the unknown and I cry not because I have to tell him, but for the pain that my words will cause him, for the trust that is going to be broken. I hope that time does in fact heal all things.
It just better not take that damn long!
His world is going to come crashing down.
I know I shouldn't fear the unknown but I just can't seem to help it. I created this, I'm to blame for misleading him and letting it go on for so long.
Letting him believe.
I know he needs to know. That the time has come, that he is old enough to understand, but is he really ready?
I'm going to hurt my baby and there is nothing I can do to stop the pain, nothing I will be able to say or do to make it all better because I'm the one the caused it in the first place.
I don't know how I am going to tell him what I have to without choking on my tears.
The shrink thinks that he is going to be angry, that it is best to tell him in the shrinks office. That is why there is a set day.
I'm trying to look at it as a new beginning, for a new year. A clean slate. The elephant won't be in the room anymore. The secret will be out. I hope that I will feel a weight lifted off of my shoulders. I hope that his world will not come crashing down, that he'll be able to say I knew something wasn't right but could never put it to words. I know that is asking for a lot.
It's not that I don't want him to know. I never meant for it to be a secret, but it has turned into one. The day he asked me why his last name was different from the rest of ours, I should have told him then. I thought he was too young to understand. I told him that his last name was my maiden name, that when I had him Daddy and I had not married yet. That is the truth, but not the whole truth.
I know, as do most people, that any boy can father a baby, but that it takes a man to be a Dad. I just don't think an 11 year old boy is going to see that. I hope some day soon that he will. So I fear the unknown and I cry not because I have to tell him, but for the pain that my words will cause him, for the trust that is going to be broken. I hope that time does in fact heal all things.
It just better not take that damn long!
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Oh sweetie, he will heal. He will come to understand. He will come to know that blood father and daddy are not even on the same planet (literally and figuratively). This will work out.
Oh K, honey. I don't have any words of wisdom just virtual strength and hugs to send you.
He will understand, it may not be tomorrow or next week, but he will understand and heal and grow from this.
You have my prayers and many peaceful strong wishes going your way.
{hugs}
i'm emailing you.
oh sweetheart.....
not that I can be of any help, but if you need to talk give me a call.
What you have to do will be incredibly painful and difficult for both of you. So I'm thinking of you both; I'm sure he will get through the anger and eventually understand. You will just need to be strong and patient to get through this ordeal. ((hugs))
Can't you just tell him you found him at Walmart?
PS. I'm not good at empathy.
I bet he already knows on some level - he just wants you to tell him.
Hugs
Oh my dear I hope he takes it better than you are imagining. You will feel better once it's out. I guess I find it hard to understand that he doesn't already know. My daughter is from my first marriage and sons are from my second and I guess they have just all always known. Even though we divorced while they were young each time, they just knew.
I will be thinking of you and hoping for the best.
My thoughts and prayers are with you.
I'm reading this a little late - and am hoping the telling went okay.
It may be difficult for a while but in time he'll be okay.
I'm behind on my blog reading, but I just want to come and give you a hug. I know he's getting a ton of hugs from you, but you need someone to hug you too.
I hope it went better than you expected.
I recently came accross your blog and have been reading along. I thought I would leave my first comment. I dont know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog. I will keep visiting this blog very often.
Susan
http://ovarianpain.net