Day 57

My birthday weekend ended in my dog Luke not eating his food. Which led to multiple trips to the vet and multiple tests. On February 1st he was diagnosed with lymphoma. On February 1st what tiny piece of dental floss I was still clinging to was ripped from my hands and I was left to grasp at air while I fell through the nothingness. To say my life was flipped upside down would be an understatement!

I had already felt like my world was crumbling around me, that my life and myself were unraveling.
I have officially come undone.
I have been taking Luke to the college town,30 minutes from me, to the Vet Med Hospital once a week for Chemo treatments.
The 2 full days I work, I now come home during my 30 minute lunch to let him out(just in case. plus he was put on a steroid that increases his appetite, drinking, and frequency of urination ) and also to make sure he is all right.
I am yet again faced with finding a new normal.
Luke is doing much better. He is responding to chemo well. A week after his first treatment the Vet said his lymph nodes were back to their normal size!!  He is back to being himself. He has gained back all the weight he lost during the 5 days that he didn't eat a thing!
This can't be cured. We are just buying time. So far, I can safely say that it has been worth it! There is still a very long road ahead.

Luke Feb. 18th, 2012

But with this face, how could I not walk down that road with him? He is my furry son.

Day 28

Birthdays are highly overrated.
He tried really hard to make it as special as he could while being far, far away.
I tried really hard to enjoy my day, but it was just a rather dull day without him here. Everyday is a dull day when he is not here to share it with me. Birthdays and holidays have an extra dullness to them compared to  all the others.
I had some of THE most wonderful birthday wishes on FB and plurk.  But amazing, fantastic, wonderful, spectacular, and outstanding are words that I would not use to describe the kind of day I had. I had a good day, it was by NO means a bad day, but it really felt just like any other Friday. It didn't feel special.  Only 1 out of 3 of my boys said Happy Birthday to me. The teen had the nerve to argue with me over what day my birthday was, "Today is NOT your Birthday." me:"Yes, it is." teen: NO, it's not. Your birthday is Saturday." me: "uh, No. I think I know when my own birthday is!" That was the extent of any acknowledgment from him, and that was at 6PM!All brought on by one of this brothers making some comment about it being my birthday.
I meant to bake my own cake. Sure, I could have easily bought one but I wanted to treat myself with an amazing homemade cake. It just didn't happen. Maybe tomorrow. It is my birthday weekend.
Birthdays are highly overrated!

Day 23

2 years ago when my husband was gone last, I thought it would be a good idea to buy a fake Christmas tree. We normally get a real tree but with hubby gone I didn't trust myself to tie a real one to the top of the car(think:  Christmas tree Mayhem commercial) or use the saw to trim the trunk. I really thought a fake one, pre-lit even, would be super easy.
After spending the past 2 days wrapping each Hallmark ornament and placing them in their individual boxes, then into the big ornament tub, taking down/apart the fake tree and getting it back in its box, I take it back. It was not super easy. Those 3 pieces of fake tree were  SO hard to get back in the box. Not to mention the box is SO SUPER HEAVY and BIG making it really awkward to move.
Now I know why, one year during my childhood, my Mom tossed the fake tree down our basement steps! If I had a basement, it would have been tossed!

At least it's pretty.

Day 20

Every time my husband is gone, about 3-4 months prior to his return I start window shopping, online window shopping, at good ole Vicki's Secret!   When I find the items that I think he'd love(and me too), I usually end up spending too much $$. When I receive those items, they never look as awesome on me as I thought they would. This time, I have made a promise to myself. I promise not to shop, or even LOOK at what Vicki is peddling unless I am at my goal weight AND  maintaing that weight!!! This is not me saying I'm going on a diet, it just means that Vicki's Secret is off limits until I can be accountable for my own health and well being by maintaing a healthy weight for my body!

Day 19

 I was at the grocery store last week and the amount of men in that store was overwhelming. I'd never seen that many men in that store, ever. A good amount were alone or with buddies, but the majority were with their spouses.  I knew that a bunch of guys had just returned home from their year away. As I walked the aisles doing my shopping I watched the others do the same. Some looked happy to be doing this household chore with their wives, but quiet honestly most of them looked like they would rather be anywhere else but there, obviously not where they just came back from(that's a given).
I made a promise right then and there while waiting in the checkout line. I promise that I will not make my husband go grocery shopping with me when he gets back. If he wants to go with me that is his choice and he is more than welcome to, but I will not ask, beg, plead, or force him to go.
I do remember what it is like when he first gets back from being gone for a year, I don't want to be away from him for a second. I would do anything to spend every moment possible in his presence, but I won't do that.

Day 17

I've learned when things don't work out the way you planned you just need to roll with it. 

It's okay to make goals for your day, but when you fall completely short do not beat yourself up. I'm a pro at beating myself up. Not beating myself up over missed goals or expectations not met is probably one of my biggest challenges. 

Cutting myself some slack is a goal I have set for myself for this year. 

Yesterday I planned on taking the boys outside for a walk on the nature trail. It  was supposed to be unseasonably warm, a gorgeous day. No one left the house. 

It all started with my search for a box filled with stationary. It ended in our master bedroom getting de-cluttered. The box I was searching for? Right next to my computer desk the whole time.

I didn't beat myself up once.

Day 15

Today I remembered how listening to the soundtracks of our love can make me feel like my husband is whispering the lyrics right into my heart.
Each song is a musical love letter he left behind to lift my spirits, to give me strength.
Through these he is here with me, I am there with him, and we will always be together in our dreams.
I love you, baby.