The Road to Motherhood

I hadn't even been 21 for a entire month when I found out I was pregnant. I was not married, not in a relationship. To say the positive result was a shock is an understatement. I seriously contemplated having an abortion. I wasn't ready for a baby. I wasn't responsible. I simply didn't want one, yet. I really don't know how I came to my final decision. I just know it was hard. I was easily 50/50. So it is no surprise that 4 months after he was born I was hit with feelings from the other 50% of me that wasn't ready, that really did not want a baby. It was a hard thing to come to terms with. It took a long while. I couldn't have made it through without my Mom's help. She took over when I couldn't force myself to do it any longer. Yes, I had to force myself to be a Mom. Many years later,after having 2 more babies, I know the difference between forcing oneself to be a Mom and wanting to be one and just giving fully of oneself.

Self beatings were common for years. It may be something that I'll always carry. The scars, the sadness, the guilt.

I believe that everything happens for a reason. I always have. 3 years ago I saw a Post Secret that was made out of a "It's a Boy" balloon. The secret: "When we decided to keep you your life wasn't the only one saved." That one hit me hard. It still brings me to tears. Before I became pregnant I was headed down a road that I feel I would have never survived. When I made my choice to keep him, it saved my life. I took a different road.

He is a tween now. Full of angst, attitude and issues. Like most tweens, right? But, I think he has something more going on than the average tween and I tried to get him help. We had sought out a counselor. On my 3rd meeting with him, trying to be open but feeling like he wasn't right for us, a song came on the radio while I was waiting to be seen.

It took all I could not to cry right there in the waiting room.

When I first heard the song many, many years ago it touched me and I immediately thought of my firstborn. I think of my other 2 as well but they weren't born yet. I associate the song with my boys, but especially my first son. When it came on, not only did I know I needed to stop seeing this counselor, it gave me strength to let it be okay that it wasn't a right fit for us. I felt a wave of feeling like it was all going to work out and everything was going to be alright.

"If I had just one wish

Only one demand

I hope he's not like me

I hope he understands

that he can take this life

and hold it by the hand

and he can greet the world

With arms wide open..."

It took me longer than most to realize that everything had changed. I will continue to show him love and spend the rest of my life showing him everything, with my arms wide open.

Things happen for a reason, just believe.